Changing behavior 2/2

tl;dr humility is the hardest part

AUTHOR’S NOTE: You’re reading part 2/2, where I expand on a series of steps that can be used to sustainably change your habits & reach your goals, which were framed & outlined in Changing Behavior 1/2: tl;r you can’t bully yourself into it.

1. Stop judging your behavior

If there's a behavior you want to change, it's reasonable of me to presume you don't like it. You may even feel shame or contempt towards it. This first step is critical, because relationships don't work without respect — and this includes your relationship with yourself.

I dare you to play with the idea that all of your behaviors, at their unconscious root, love you dearly and are trying to bring you into alignment with your potential greatness. I dare you to play with this idea even if you are only in contact with the tippy-top of the ice berg of the behavior in question (which can be disappointing or frustrating or even just really confusing consciously). I merely dare you to show the behavior a little respect.

This step is more of a negation than an action, but in time you'll feel how it's distinctly separate from actively empathizing. This is the step of letting your guard down and being open to reorienting your relationship to the behavior. This is the step of preparing your inner environment to be a safe space for negotiation.

Here's an action if you're struggling to drop the judgement / neutralize the against-ness you feel:

Anywhere you notice that you're labeling your behavior (or yourself in general) "good", "bad", "right", or "wrong" — substitute in a different description. Maybe begin with expanding on or unpacking why you chose that label in the first place. This is going to, over time, illuminate your belief structure / worldview regarding how you should behave, what kinds of choices you should make, what your body should do or look like, how other people should treat you, etc.

It is okay to move onto the next step without dropping 100% of your judgment. (Conscious calibration of Self is great; just remember that you're an organism and not a machine. Don't hold yourself to mechanical standards.)

2. Start empathizing with your behavior

Play with anthropomorphizing your behavior, having a dialogue with it, and respecting it just as you would any other person, child, animal, living being, etc.

Give this behavior the benefit of the doubt. If it is serving you from a place of love and/or protection, then how would that work from its perspective? You've been telling yourself a top-down story about this behavior and why you do it. This is the step of beginning to understand your behavior's story from the bottom-up. This is the step of beginning to learn the non-obvious thing this behavior is aiming to achieve for you or protect you from.

Be prepared: The behavior might also question you back. It might ask something of you in order to feel resolved. Once the two-way influence channel has been established, step three begins naturally...

3. Get to intimately know your behavior

The primary action of this step is noting the qualities of your behavior: What did you learn about it from your empathetic dialogue? What's its momentum like? What environments do/n't trigger this behavior — places, people, activities, stressors, moods, foods, time of day, another behavior, etc.? What does it desire to move towards or away from? How does it believe it's serving you?

Treating your behavior as if it is its own little one-dimensional character, get to know this character as much as you can (which will vary quite a bit from behavior to behavior).

As I said in part 1, you're like a scientist or investigator collecting data on the behavior. Not only will this data help you directly with step 4 - where we craft the actual actions to implement change - it will also help you indirectly by slowly building a bigger, thematic picture of what’s going on for you, which could lead to a crux point where one small change ripples into many effects.

With regards to what I said about behaviors questioning you back, keep in mind that some parts of you just want to be seen, acknowledged, understood, respected…and they will naturally fade away once you’ve done that.¹

But so the point here is to gather information to better inform how you go about trying to change the momentum & direction of your behavior. Most recommended methods either skip this knowledge gathering / relationship building altogether or merely pay it lip service.

4. Set a "stupid small" next step

Look at the map of where you are and where you wanna go. Note any qualities of the path or any obstacles along it. Your map might have blurry areas and that's fine. Then, like a scientist crafting an informed hypothesis, decide on a stupid small step from where you are to where you're aiming.

Mentioned in a footnote in part 1, the "stupid small" aspect of my approach comes from a book called Mini Habits by Stephen Guise, which I highly recommend for more examples.

The point of a stupid small step is to create a threshold so small that you’re consistently able to meet it. This usually means picking a step that is offensive to your ego, a step that accomplishing doesn't even really feel impressive. If your reaction to your next step elicits a "pshhh" sentiment, you're probably on the right track.

For example, if you’re trying to achieve ten classic-style pushups a day, then your stupid small next step might be one classic pushup a day, or one adjusted pushup a day, or one plank a day, or even just getting down to the floor once a day.

I promise, the stupid small approach doesn't slow you down the way it might appear to at first glance. What makes this approach work are bonus reps. Whatever you do past your stupid small step is considered bonus. If I've done one pushup...might as well do two. Or not. If I've spent my five minutes studying Italian...might as well spend another couple. Or not. If I've walked to the end of my street...might as well walk around the block. Or not.

What we're doing here is reinforcing that influential two-way channel between unconscious & conscious, demonstrating respect for ourselves by no longer crossing our own boundaries. The more you check in with your Self (body, emotions, thoughts, desires) and take action based on respecting your relationship with yourself — the more you're cancelling out resistances that won't need to be dealt with directly, making future next steps easier.

So only do the bonus reps that feel within your range. Teach yourself that you are a reliable, respectful partner. Also, don't be afraid if you do push yourself too far sometimes. You can update and recalibrate from any position. There's no success or failure here, just what happens.

And before moving on to the final(ish) step, set yourself a check-in date. It might be a set calendar day, or it might be situational counting how many time you interact with something or someone. Choose a stupid small step, set a check-in date, and go about your life.

5. Review, reflect, repeat

On your check-in date, review what did & did not happen (with as little judgment as possible). Did you achieve your stupid small goal of a step towards changing your behavior? By how much did you miss it? By how much did you exceed it? Note any other objective facts in your review, such as what it felt like or what happened when you took the step.

Your behavior during the trial period of your stupid small step is dialogue for you to listen to and update on. What is your behavior telling you? Reflect on what went as planned, what didn't, and how you felt. Reflect on why you didn’t meet your intended goal, and then set an even stupider and/or smaller intention. Reflect on what helped you meet your intended goal, and then decide what "repeat" means for you this time around.

You can stay the course, increase what you're already doing, or try out the next novel step. Do you need to make your step smaller? Do you need to approach from a different angle? Did you find yourself still feeling judgement?

To reiterate, not meeting the stupid small goal you set is not a failure. It just means you need to update your calibration. It's an objective data point showing you where your knobs are set, allowing you to tweak them with high accuracy. No shame or punishment required.

Conclusion

We’re very used to monitoring and controlling our behavior, especially if we went to public school. So there’s going to be a long process of even just learning to identify: What does the judging part look and feel like? What does the restraint part look and feel like? What does the force part look and feel like? What do stupid & small look and feel like?

Behavior change goes faster and more smoothly in tandem with multiple avenues of approach. Your mind, body, emotions, and desires are always playing out and weaving around you. Compared to manipulation strategies, this approach is a little more complicated to get into from the outset — but wildly more supportive, creative, and reliable once you get the hang of it.

You know when you punish a pet to not do a behavior, and they just find a sneaky roundabout way of accomplishing the same outcome without violating the exact thing you had been punishing them for? Say, they stopped opening up & getting into your cabinet, but then they started snagging food right off your plate when you weren’t looking?

You do those behaviors.

You’ve tried to control yourself from doing something your mind believes to be wrong or bad without understanding the underlying desire, which went on to find a side outlet anyway. Behavior change requires patience, love, repetition, and a 4-layer approach to be sustainable, aka both long-term and healthy.

Drop your judgment.
Open your empathy.
Get to know your current behavior.
Set an aim.
Pick a stupid small step to get there.
And after doing that small step a few times,
evaluate if you need to make the step bigger or smaller.

This process not only actually helps you build and break habits or achieve goals, but you learn to get really sober & honest with yourself. You learn all your own internal bullshit, because you try to play it on yourself. There is no cheating to make it easier. Who are you cheating? Who actually wins when you do that? There is no failing. That would just be you drowning in your own kiddie pool. Doesn’t make any sense. There’s no big baddie to run away from. You only have your Self to face.

Everyone learns to walk using baby steps. Are you too insecure for baby steps? ;P

Looking for support with changing your behaviors, with getting to know your four layers of Self, with feeling like you’re in the driver’s seat of Life actively co-creating your reality?

Book a call with me.

1. More on this topic coming in the lesson on how Desire Evolves Through Satisfaction